you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
