Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
