so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
