I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
