mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
