there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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