Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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