I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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