cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
