I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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