I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
