girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
