Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
