if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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