I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
