I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
