apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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