mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
