Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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