Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
