My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just googled if crying burns calories
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
