Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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