What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
