i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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