I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
