Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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