you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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