i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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