do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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