if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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