My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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