take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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