The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
