Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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