I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize