it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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