You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
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Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
