I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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