I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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