Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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