If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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