I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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