i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
