Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
