Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
