do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
