My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
