Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
