I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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