She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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