you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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