i was rollin on her like bob the builder
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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