i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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