She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
