Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
