my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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