I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize