I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
